[NOISE] Toast Fishing in America

[from "If _____ Made Toasters" ...my edits]

    If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
      They would be large, perfectly smooth, seamless black cubes.
      Each morning, exactly as much toast as you could eat would
      appear on top of your toaster. Their service department would
      have an unlisted phone number and the cube's blueprints would
      be highly-classified government documents, but the "X-Files"
      would have an episode with a partially disassembled toaster
      remarkably similar to it visible in the background.

    If the NSA made toasters...
      Your toaster would have a secret crumb-door on the back that
      only the NSA could open in case they needed to inspect your
      toast for breakfasts of a national security nature.